I was born to two police officer parents, we lived in a Prison Married Quarters . My parents separated when I was 7 and went their separate ways, I chose to live with my mother and slowly lost touch with my father over the years.
I was not very bright at school, I somehow managed to pass the grades and progress, I was also a pathological liar with a lack of self esteem which encouraged me to tell lies about myself for social acceptance. I look back at my life and realise that I had no role model for self-esteem because my mother had very low self esteem. She was never gonna be in a position to teach me something that she herself lacked.
I struggled with self acceptance over the years, lying my way through most situations. Now that I think about it, my lack of self acceptance is the reason I struggled to be accepted socially .
I Matriculated and managed to get into a good University were I studied Dramatic Arts, I was very Naive to the entire experience and the implications of my academic choices. My self loathing climaxed when I got to university and started comparing myself with other students who came from backgrounds I found to be better than mine. I wished desperately to have had similar upbringings and felt ashamed of my own upbringing.
Our strength comes from our core, not our surface.
-A Cry For Help
I was not aware of how devastating it is to be so self loathing, the amount of damage it does to your character and your life experiences. I did not realise how my feelings about myself could impact the way I relate to people socially and how it could create this wall between me and everyone I engaged with.
I lived my life jumping from friendship to friendship never really having close meaningful friendships with people because I never opened myself up to anyone. People knew what I projected to them, I filtered myself like an Instagram post, hiding behind my attempts to be something I wasn’t.
Because I was a hot mess Internally I used Social Media to Escape from my frustrations. I was an Internet THOT sending Naked images of myself to strange men on the internet. I now realise that the attention I wanted was not necessarily male attention. It was personal attention, I wanted personal approval and unknowingly looked for it in the hands of strangers and Perverts online.
Not only did my self loathing affect my platonic relationships but it made it very difficult for me to establish Romantic Relationships. I did not know how to get into romantic relationships because I did not want to make the compromise of giving myself to anyone.
I am 29 years old today and have never been in a romantic relationship with anyone, guarded people can’t be vulnerable with anyone. As much as I can feel sorry for myself, I made the choices that brought me to this place.
When you harbour self hate you become depressed because of your unresolved issues with yourself. You cry to God asking why your life is so awful, failing to recognise your own role in the state of your life. We don’t get were we are by accident, we make the choices that determine the lives we live.
I was like a prisoner in my own life because i never let anyone get too close to me, I yearned for human connection but I was too closed off.
I began to take pleasure in self pity, constantly wishing to be dead because I could not take responsibility for my choices and their implications. It is only in my Late twenties when I began to see the error of my ways and just how much of a mess my life was. I was spending more and more time alone wallowing in loneliness and frustrated at how I fucked up my life.
I felt helpless and hopeless and did not know how to help myself through my predicament, I acknowledged my mistakes and asked God for guidance. I just started writing and expressing myself and found it to be inciteful. I became aware of why I was the way I was bit by bit.
I am a work in progress, I am not perfect in any way, I have to learn to love myself the way I am and accept that it is fine to grow up the way I did and to be honest with myself and with other people.
God makes us to be who we are and to not be anyone else, I don’t understand much about life but I have learned that we can only succeed and be our best when we are being honest with ourselves and others by being accepting of ourselves. Our strength comes from our core, not our surface.
You wont understand yourself until you learn to accept yourself, that is were we build our confidence and that is what helps us through all areas of our lives.