Self Acceptance

I was born to two police officer parents, we lived in a Prison Married Quarters .  My parents separated when I was 7 and went their separate ways, I chose to live with my mother and slowly lost touch with my father over the years.

I was not very bright at school, I somehow managed to pass the grades and progress, I was also a pathological liar with a lack of self esteem  which encouraged me to tell lies about myself for social acceptance. I look back at my life and realise that I had no role model for self-esteem because my mother had very low self esteem. She was never gonna be in a position to teach me something that she herself lacked.

I struggled with self acceptance over the years, lying my way through most situations. Now that I think about it, my lack of self acceptance is the reason I struggled to be accepted socially .

I Matriculated and managed to get into a good University were I studied Dramatic Arts, I was very Naive to the entire experience and the implications of my academic choices.  My self loathing  climaxed when I got to university and started comparing myself with other students who came from backgrounds I found to be better than mine. I wished desperately to have had similar upbringings and felt ashamed of my own upbringing. 

Our strength comes from our core, not our surface.

-A Cry For Help

I was not aware of how devastating it is to be so self loathing, the amount of damage it does to your character and your life experiences. I did not realise how my feelings about myself could impact the way I relate to people socially and how it could create this wall between me and everyone I engaged with.

I lived my life  jumping from friendship to friendship never really having close meaningful friendships with people because I never opened myself up to anyone. People knew what I projected to them, I filtered myself like an Instagram post, hiding behind my attempts to be something I wasn’t.

Because I was a hot mess Internally I  used Social Media to Escape from my frustrations. I was an Internet THOT sending Naked images of myself to strange men on the internet. I now realise that the attention I wanted was not necessarily male attention. It was personal attention, I wanted personal approval and unknowingly looked for it  in the hands of strangers and Perverts online.

Not only did my self loathing  affect my platonic relationships but it made it very difficult for me to establish Romantic Relationships. I did not know how to get into romantic relationships because I did not want to make the compromise of giving myself to anyone.

I am 29 years old today and have never been in a romantic relationship  with anyone, guarded people can’t be vulnerable with anyone. As much as I can feel sorry for myself, I made the choices that brought me to this place.

When you harbour self hate you become depressed because of your unresolved issues with yourself. You cry to God asking why your life is so awful, failing to recognise your own role in the state of your life. We don’t  get were we are by accident, we make the choices that determine the lives we live.

I was like a prisoner in my own life because i never let anyone get too close to me, I yearned for human connection but I was too closed off.

I began to take pleasure in self pity, constantly wishing to be dead because I could not take responsibility for my choices and their implications. It is only in my Late twenties when I began to see the error of my ways and just how much of a mess my life was. I was spending more and more time alone wallowing in loneliness  and frustrated at how I fucked up my life.

I felt helpless and hopeless and did not know how to help myself through my predicament, I acknowledged my mistakes and asked  God for guidance. I just started writing and expressing myself and found it to be inciteful. I became aware of why I was the way I was bit by bit.

I am a work in progress, I am not perfect in any way, I have to learn to love myself the way I am and accept that it is fine to grow up the way I did and to be honest with myself and with other people.

God makes us to be who we are and to not be anyone else, I don’t understand much about life but I have learned that we can only succeed and be our best when we are being honest with ourselves and others by being accepting of ourselves. Our strength comes from our core, not our surface.

You wont understand yourself until you learn to accept yourself, that is were we build our confidence and that is what helps us through all areas of our lives.


You’re not always the Victim


There are times in life when we have to admit when we are wrong because it is easy to go around pointing the blame on other people but when do you look at the mirror and see the error of your ways.

“Life does not just happen to us without our consent every problem that we encounter in our lives is an opportunity for us to learn and grow.”

-A Cry For Help

I grew up blaming my parents’s separation as the reason for my rebellion and outrageous behaviour. Parents are not perfect, they make mistakes and they  do the best they can to raise you, after you become an adult you have to take some ownership of your actions.

The same goes for conflict in your relationships with other people, you have to look at yourself and ask what you have done to co-create the rising tension between you and the other person.

Life does not just happen to us without our consent every problem that we encounter in our lives is an opportunity for us to learn and grow.  There are tragedies and things that are beyond our control but there are problems that we bring upon ourselves that we do have to take accountability for.

I think Accountability is the definition of Growing up, when you realise that you are responsible for your life and that your choices will have consequences. We live and we learn and we will be doing that our entire lives.

To my fellow Millenials out there,  we  are not always the victims sometimes we are the perpetrator  so lets own that and live a life of accountability. There is  something humbling about  confronting  your  Character flaws. It’s a part of Self Acceptance and an opportunity to learn and grow.

Remember this Today


Remember to breathe

Take a minute to soak in what is happening around you

Your feelings/ Mood will match your experiences today

You will get through whatever you are facing right now

Don’t force anything that is blocked from you, instead go with the flow

You are still an amazing unique Person

Everyone around you is struggling with insecurities as well

This day will end and everything happening now will be a memory

Relax you are perfectly fine the way you are

Confessions from a Suicidal Girl


It’s friday morning and most people are excited for the weekend, she rises dreading the day.

She checks her phone and finds no calls from her mother, maybe she is tired of  hearing her cry over the phone. Maybe she just needs a minute to digest the fact that her only daughter doesn’t seem to appreciate the life she has.

No matter how she looks at it, she feels alone, there is nobody who can understand her internal struggle. She walks around with a facade looking like she is on top of things when her world is falling apart inside.

She takes sticky paper from her fridge and writes  her mother’s phone number, she includes another number for a relative who can be reached just incase her mother misses the call.

Her plan is to hang by  the fire escape, she chooses this location because of its seclusion  in the building.  Maybe she doesn’t wanna be found decomposing in the flat so a fire escape will do.

She  showers and brushes her hair knowing that this will be her last time doing her daily routine. She picks out her favourite dress and puts it on. Her attire is all black suiting the occasion.

She turns on the TV and eats last breakfast, she watches a spiritual TV show hoping some sort of miraculous message will get her to reconsider. Instead she finds herself more detached to spirituality than ever.

She sobs as she eats the cereal, fighting to not completely break down. There has been way too many tears shed and today is just not the day for “self pity”

She leaves her apartment and takes one last stroll around the town that she called home for the past 6 years.  Life goes on as usual, the weather is beautiful, it’s not hot and it’s not cold either.

She puts on her headsets and listens to Coldplay as she crosses the street in the busy morning.  The music is calming to her soul. She  walks through the business  district and remembers all the experiences she had in this neighbourhood.

She finally makes her way back to her building , she grabs the note she made earlier and puts it in her purse. She  cleaned her place the day before knowing she did not wanna leave a mess behind.

She walks out of the flat and locks the door, there is an unusual silence in the air  as she walks down the passage. She opens the door to the fire escape and shuts it.

She takes her scarf and ties it around her neck, she reaches for the railing and ties the scarf against the bars. She begins to feel pressure against her neck, it’s so strong and overwhelming.

Her eyes feel like they are about to explode, its getting real, this is how it feels when your soul struggles to leave your body. Her heart is racing in panic, she is scared of  what is happening to her.   She is scared of where she is headed, she does not know what lies ahead. Her body jerks around, she begins to feel light headed.

There is no coming back from this, at this point her brain will begin to shut down but if someone finds her before that, she is looking at a life of irreversible brain damage and physical disability.

She rises from her bed drenched in sweat, she is relieved  because she was horrified  with everything that was happening. The dream of her suicide makes her realise that she does not really wanna die, she just wants her pain to stop.

What do you do when you just don’t have the will to continue, when you feel like a dead man walking. What do you do when you feel like your life is not worth living.

Talk to someone, and ask for help with the issues you are struggling with.  If you feel like there is no help at all for you then go ahead and end your life. Make sure you are successful at it because if it isn’t   the damage will be irreversible.

You may feel like you don’t matter, but you do matter to the people in your life. Talk to them and ask for help because your life is worth living even if you may not always feel like it is.

New release: 2:22 AM

This is such beautiful writing

Cristian Mihai

coverThey say the only ones who are awake late at night are the lonely and the loved. The former find it hard to fall asleep when all they have to do is dream with open eyes about their beloved. It’s almost a compulsion.
But what about the lonely? All the artists, the dreamers; the ones who hold tight to a reality they don’t understand and want to explain?

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Being Home Alone Does Not Have To Be Daunting


Are you living alone  for the first time or finding yourself home alone because you are an introvert, either way being home by yourself can be daunting.

Being alone gets a bad rep because we live in a very social culture  were companionship is encouraged more than solitude.

Remember that to be alone does not necessarily mean to be lonely, you can be with another person and find yourself incredibly lonely.

It’s not about who you are with but more about how you are feeling and what you get up to. I live alone so I have become used to solitude , I will share my tips on how to enjoy this time to yourself.


Pamper Yourself

If you have a tub take a bubble bath with scented candles and music or take a long  hot shower and throw in a cold beer to cool yourself off.

We all wanna look good and feel good so why  not give yourself a Pedicure and Manicure. It’s very relaxing and fun to switch up those polish colours.

Braid your hair, try out a hairstyle you normally never have time to wear.

I  love to dress up and take lots of selfies . This is your time alone to try out different looks and plan out your outfits.


Take Care of your space

Do something that will improve the quality of your life at home.

Maybe your closet is disorganised, this may be the time to organise it so you can find that  crop top you haven’t seen in months.

If you have a bit of OCD, this may be the perfect time to start sorting those cereal jars in your pantry.

Nobody  enjoys chores, and not all of us have the luxury of a house keeper.  Pick up a broom and sweep your floors,  do something to improve the state of your home.


Entertain Yourself

Netflix and Chill  by yourself, catch up on that season of Game of Thrones you didn’t watch. Make a snack,  put your feet up and relax.

Plug in those speakers and Turn Up, have a solo party for one and enjoy those jams that maybe your friends do not enjoy as much as you do. I like having wine and grooving to Electronic House Music in my lounge, do whatever gets you excited.

If you are a video game junkie then it’s the perfect time for you to beat your personal record score.

If you are a book worm this maybe the time to finally catch up on some reading.  Make yourself  a beverage and pull out that tablet or  book.


Get Moving

Being home alone can sometimes lead to total laziness which is okay at times but you wanna show your body some love and get active. You can either work out with equipment you have at home or you can do some creative workouts with what you have.

Dancing is also a fun way to burn calories without feeling like you are in a gym. Turn up the music as suggested earlier and dance to your favourite jams.


Get Creative

When you are alone it’s the perfect time to be creative because there are no distractions and you are able to think better.

Maybe you fancy yourself a writer, you may wanna take the time to start that process or continue if its long  due.

Creativity is very broad and there is a lot you can do from Painting, Composing Music etc. What ever gets your  creative juices flowing.


Have Solo Therapy Sessions or  Meditate

Fire up your laptop and do Video diaries,  go to your Photo Booth and record short videos of how you are feeling. It is a very therapeutic way to express yourself  and talk about staff that you wouldn’t share with anyone else. I have been doing these for years and have saved my favourite ones to reflect on  the significant stages of my life.

Weird as it maybe to some people, there is something very relaxing about talking to yourself. You get to say staff you wouldn’t say to anyone else and confront the issues that  you carry internally. You can also journal your feelings .

The point is that we should not have anxiety about  being alone because we are always alone in our heads anyway. We came into this world alone and we will leave it alone so lets embrace this part of life and have fun with it.

Sometimes plans don’t work out & thats ok.


In our final year in University a Lecturer asked us where we see ourselves in 5 years . Nearly everyone saw themselves prospering at something they love.

Fast forward to 5 years after University and my life is nothing I thought it would be, I did not find myself prospering at my desired career. Instead I graduated from University and found myself struggling to find a solid job. I was doing low paying freelance gigs and barely getting by.  I felt like such a failure because I had not lived up to my expectations.

I saw my peers prosper and get ahead in their fields whilst I struggled to find stability in my chosen field. I became really depressed to the point were I stopped caring about my wellbeing, I went out a lot and used a lot of recreational drugs.  I wanted to die than accept that my life had come to this reality. It dawned on me that my depression does not come from my struggles, it came from my perception of my reality.

“To resist reality is to resist life and when you resist life you start to die slowly inside”

—A Cry For Help

Life will not always go as planned, we can resist our reality or learn to deal with our ordeal. Maybe like me you are in your late twenties and your life has not gone the way you thought it would.

There is no special age for having your shit together, I think that society created this order of life that we all have to follow and when our lives fall out of that order  we feel like there is something wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with you if you are unmarried at 30.  It is not wrong to be broke at 28 because you are not making enough money. There is no shame in moving back home at 33 because your business did not make it and your Marriage did not survive.

Life happens, sometimes things do not work out, you  have to pick yourself up and keep it moving. You cant torture yourself about what other people will think about your struggles because, those people have their own problems. Everyone wears a facade that makes them seem to have it all together when in fact they have worries and concerns like the rest of us.

“Do you ever notice how when you greet people, most people always say they are doing well, no one ever says I’m not fine”

—A Cry For Help

The point I’m making is that we are gonna have a lot of disappointments in life and if we cant even cope with were  we are at this moment then life will be incredibly hard.

At the end all we can do is make peace with the way things are and do our best to better our lives. This is life and we are living it the best we can.  Our struggles are an indication that we are living because if we were not faced with difficulty then it would mean that we haven’t tried to accomplish anything  at all.

Cheer up and live your life because life is not about the destination its about our experiences right now. What ever you are facing today in this very moment, that is life. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you have to find joy in your experiences today.