Remember to breathe
Take a minute to soak in what is happening around you
Your feelings/ Mood will match your experiences today
You will get through whatever you are facing right now
Don’t force anything that is blocked from you, instead go with the flow
You are still an amazing unique Person
Everyone around you is struggling with insecurities as well
This day will end and everything happening now will be a memory
Relax you are perfectly fine the way you are
It’s friday morning and most people are excited for the weekend, she rises dreading the day.
She checks her phone and finds no calls from her mother, maybe she is tired of hearing her cry over the phone. Maybe she just needs a minute to digest the fact that her only daughter doesn’t seem to appreciate the life she has.
No matter how she looks at it, she feels alone, there is nobody who can understand her internal struggle. She walks around with a facade looking like she is on top of things when her world is falling apart inside.
She takes sticky paper from her fridge and writes her mother’s phone number, she includes another number for a relative who can be reached just incase her mother misses the call.
Her plan is to hang by the fire escape, she chooses this location because of its seclusion in the building. Maybe she doesn’t wanna be found decomposing in the flat so a fire escape will do.
She showers and brushes her hair knowing that this will be her last time doing her daily routine. She picks out her favourite dress and puts it on. Her attire is all black suiting the occasion.
She turns on the TV and eats last breakfast, she watches a spiritual TV show hoping some sort of miraculous message will get her to reconsider. Instead she finds herself more detached to spirituality than ever.
She sobs as she eats the cereal, fighting to not completely break down. There has been way too many tears shed and today is just not the day for “self pity”
She leaves her apartment and takes one last stroll around the town that she called home for the past 6 years. Life goes on as usual, the weather is beautiful, it’s not hot and it’s not cold either.
She puts on her headsets and listens to Coldplay as she crosses the street in the busy morning. The music is calming to her soul. She walks through the business district and remembers all the experiences she had in this neighbourhood.
She finally makes her way back to her building , she grabs the note she made earlier and puts it in her purse. She cleaned her place the day before knowing she did not wanna leave a mess behind.
She walks out of the flat and locks the door, there is an unusual silence in the air as she walks down the passage. She opens the door to the fire escape and shuts it.
She takes her scarf and ties it around her neck, she reaches for the railing and ties the scarf against the bars. She begins to feel pressure against her neck, it’s so strong and overwhelming.
Her eyes feel like they are about to explode, its getting real, this is how it feels when your soul struggles to leave your body. Her heart is racing in panic, she is scared of what is happening to her. She is scared of where she is headed, she does not know what lies ahead. Her body jerks around, she begins to feel light headed.
There is no coming back from this, at this point her brain will begin to shut down but if someone finds her before that, she is looking at a life of irreversible brain damage and physical disability.
She rises from her bed drenched in sweat, she is relieved because she was horrified with everything that was happening. The dream of her suicide makes her realise that she does not really wanna die, she just wants her pain to stop.
What do you do when you just don’t have the will to continue, when you feel like a dead man walking. What do you do when you feel like your life is not worth living.
Talk to someone, and ask for help with the issues you are struggling with. If you feel like there is no help at all for you then go ahead and end your life. Make sure you are successful at it because if it isn’t the damage will be irreversible.
You may feel like you don’t matter, but you do matter to the people in your life. Talk to them and ask for help because your life is worth living even if you may not always feel like it is.
This is such beautiful writing
They say the only ones who are awake late at night are the lonely and the loved. The former find it hard to fall asleep when all they have to do is dream with open eyes about their beloved. It’s almost a compulsion.
But what about the lonely? All the artists, the dreamers; the ones who hold tight to a reality they don’t understand and want to explain?
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“Your life is being wasted daily waiting for someone who is living their life. “
I met a guy in college who I became so infatuated with, I did not know him personally but I found myself so captivated by him. It was a lost cause because we were in our final year in university and the odds of us meeting were slim. We finished varsity and went on with our lives and I still couldn’t get him out of my mind. I was so into him I convinced myself the reason its gone on for so long was because we were meant to be together.
I was infatuated with him and could not even consider the reality that he may not feel the same way about me. My friend and I finally ran into him 3 years later in a pub. We exchanged numbers and afterwards I learned that he was unavailable. We made attempts to hang out with him but he made it quiet clear he was in a committed relationship.
I was gutted, because I was not getting what I wanted, all my fantasies and hopes were crushed because the guy I liked did not like me back. I Drank off the disappointment with friends and tried to move on painfully.
Reality hit home and I realised that even if I keep holding on to hope it wont change a thing.
The most difficult aspect of moving on is accepting that the other person already did.
I deleted his phone number and stopped following him on Facebook. They were necessary steps to take because the more I kept being exposed to him the longer it would have taken me to move on with my life.
I realised that you cant force someone to like you, you have to accept their choice and let it go.
It is important to remember your self worth, you have to know that something not working out does not diminish who you are as a person.
When we like someone we create this whole fantasy in our heads of how we would like things to go with that other person. When it does not go our way we struggle to walk away from an illusion we created in our head in the first place.
Never love something so much that you can’t let go of it.
We are so attached to the fantasy we wont even try and consider the possibility of what lies ahead when we do move on and let go.
It may feel like he / she is the one for you but honey, there are so many people out there that you could meet if you can finally bring yourself to closing that chapter.
The longer you hold on to that person , the longer you keep yourself from moving on. Your life is being wasted daily waiting for someone who is living their life.
Would you like to reach the end of your life knowing that you wasted a portion of it waiting for someone who didn’t want you, that would be tragic.
You can live without that person, the fact that you are still here today is an indication of that. You are not dead, your heart is still beating even with their absence in your life, yes you can and will move on.
You will know you have moved on when you start being aware of the people around you. When you start receiving what life is putting in front of you, you will be making progress.
Don’t beat yourself up, we will meet a lot of people in the world and some of them will like us and some won’t. That does not take away from who we are as people. We are awesome human beings who deserve to live a happy life.