It’s friday morning and most people are excited for the weekend, she rises dreading the day.
She checks her phone and finds no calls from her mother, maybe she is tired of hearing her cry over the phone. Maybe she just needs a minute to digest the fact that her only daughter doesn’t seem to appreciate the life she has.
No matter how she looks at it, she feels alone, there is nobody who can understand her internal struggle. She walks around with a facade looking like she is on top of things when her world is falling apart inside.
She takes sticky paper from her fridge and writes her mother’s phone number, she includes another number for a relative who can be reached just incase her mother misses the call.
Her plan is to hang by the fire escape, she chooses this location because of its seclusion in the building. Maybe she doesn’t wanna be found decomposing in the flat so a fire escape will do.
She showers and brushes her hair knowing that this will be her last time doing her daily routine. She picks out her favourite dress and puts it on. Her attire is all black suiting the occasion.
She turns on the TV and eats last breakfast, she watches a spiritual TV show hoping some sort of miraculous message will get her to reconsider. Instead she finds herself more detached to spirituality than ever.
She sobs as she eats the cereal, fighting to not completely break down. There has been way too many tears shed and today is just not the day for “self pity”
She leaves her apartment and takes one last stroll around the town that she called home for the past 6 years. Life goes on as usual, the weather is beautiful, it’s not hot and it’s not cold either.
She puts on her headsets and listens to Coldplay as she crosses the street in the busy morning. The music is calming to her soul. She walks through the business district and remembers all the experiences she had in this neighbourhood.
She finally makes her way back to her building , she grabs the note she made earlier and puts it in her purse. She cleaned her place the day before knowing she did not wanna leave a mess behind.
She walks out of the flat and locks the door, there is an unusual silence in the air as she walks down the passage. She opens the door to the fire escape and shuts it.
She takes her scarf and ties it around her neck, she reaches for the railing and ties the scarf against the bars. She begins to feel pressure against her neck, it’s so strong and overwhelming.
Her eyes feel like they are about to explode, its getting real, this is how it feels when your soul struggles to leave your body. Her heart is racing in panic, she is scared of what is happening to her. She is scared of where she is headed, she does not know what lies ahead. Her body jerks around, she begins to feel light headed.
There is no coming back from this, at this point her brain will begin to shut down but if someone finds her before that, she is looking at a life of irreversible brain damage and physical disability.
She rises from her bed drenched in sweat, she is relieved because she was horrified with everything that was happening. The dream of her suicide makes her realise that she does not really wanna die, she just wants her pain to stop.
What do you do when you just don’t have the will to continue, when you feel like a dead man walking. What do you do when you feel like your life is not worth living.
Talk to someone, and ask for help with the issues you are struggling with. You may feel like you don’t matter, but you do matter to the people in your life. Talk to them and ask for help because your life is worth living even if you may not always feel like it is.