Unfiltered

Self Acceptance

I was born to two police officer parents, we lived in a Prison Married Quarters .  My parents separated when I was 7 and went their separate ways, I chose to live with my mother and slowly lost touch with my father over the years.

I was not very bright at school, I somehow managed to pass the grades and progress, I was also a pathological liar with a lack of self esteem  which encouraged me to tell lies about myself for social acceptance. I look back at my life and realise that I had no role model for self-esteem because my mother had very low self esteem. She was never gonna be in a position to teach me something that she herself lacked.

I struggled with self acceptance over the years, lying my way through most situations. Now that I think about it, my lack of self acceptance is the reason I struggled to be accepted socially .

I Matriculated and managed to get into a good University were I studied Dramatic Arts, I was very Naive to the entire experience and the implications of my academic choices.  My self loathing  climaxed when I got to university and started comparing myself with other students who came from backgrounds I found to be better than mine. I wished desperately to have had similar upbringings and felt ashamed of my own upbringing. 

Our strength comes from our core, not our surface.

-A Cry For Help

I was not aware of how devastating it is to be so self loathing, the amount of damage it does to your character and your life experiences. I did not realise how my feelings about myself could impact the way I relate to people socially and how it could create this wall between me and everyone I engaged with.

I lived my life  jumping from friendship to friendship never really having close meaningful friendships with people because I never opened myself up to anyone. People knew what I projected to them, I filtered myself like an Instagram post, hiding behind my attempts to be something I wasn’t.

Because I was a hot mess Internally I  used Social Media to Escape from my frustrations. I was an Internet THOT sending Naked images of myself to strange men on the internet. I now realise that the attention I wanted was not necessarily male attention. It was personal attention, I wanted personal approval and unknowingly looked for it  in the hands of strangers and Perverts online.

Not only did my self loathing  affect my platonic relationships but it made it very difficult for me to establish Romantic Relationships. I did not know how to get into romantic relationships because I did not want to make the compromise of giving myself to anyone.

I am 29 years old today and have never been in a romantic relationship  with anyone, guarded people can’t be vulnerable with anyone. As much as I can feel sorry for myself, I made the choices that brought me to this place.

When you harbour self hate you become depressed because of your unresolved issues with yourself. You cry to God asking why your life is so awful, failing to recognise your own role in the state of your life. We don’t  get were we are by accident, we make the choices that determine the lives we live.

I was like a prisoner in my own life because i never let anyone get too close to me, I yearned for human connection but I was too closed off.

I began to take pleasure in self pity, constantly wishing to be dead because I could not take responsibility for my choices and their implications. It is only in my Late twenties when I began to see the error of my ways and just how much of a mess my life was. I was spending more and more time alone wallowing in loneliness  and frustrated at how I fucked up my life.

I felt helpless and hopeless and did not know how to help myself through my predicament, I acknowledged my mistakes and asked  God for guidance. I just started writing and expressing myself and found it to be inciteful. I became aware of why I was the way I was bit by bit.

I am a work in progress, I am not perfect in any way, I have to learn to love myself the way I am and accept that it is fine to grow up the way I did and to be honest with myself and with other people.

God makes us to be who we are and to not be anyone else, I don’t understand much about life but I have learned that we can only succeed and be our best when we are being honest with ourselves and others by being accepting of ourselves. Our strength comes from our core, not our surface.

You wont understand yourself until you learn to accept yourself, that is were we build our confidence and that is what helps us through all areas of our lives.

Remember this Today

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Remember to breathe

Take a minute to soak in what is happening around you

Your feelings/ Mood will match your experiences today

You will get through whatever you are facing right now

Don’t force anything that is blocked from you, instead go with the flow

You are still an amazing unique Person

Everyone around you is struggling with insecurities as well

This day will end and everything happening now will be a memory

Relax you are perfectly fine the way you are

Sometimes plans don’t work out & thats ok.

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In our final year in University a Lecturer asked us where we see ourselves in 5 years . Nearly everyone saw themselves prospering at something they love.

Fast forward to 5 years after University and my life is nothing I thought it would be, I did not find myself prospering at my desired career. Instead I graduated from University and found myself struggling to find a solid job. I was doing low paying freelance gigs and barely getting by.  I felt like such a failure because I had not lived up to my expectations.

I saw my peers prosper and get ahead in their fields whilst I struggled to find stability in my chosen field. I became really depressed to the point were I stopped caring about my wellbeing, I went out a lot and used a lot of recreational drugs.  I wanted to die than accept that my life had come to this reality. It dawned on me that my depression does not come from my struggles, it came from my perception of my reality.

“To resist reality is to resist life and when you resist life you start to die slowly inside”

—A Cry For Help

Life will not always go as planned, we can resist our reality or learn to deal with our ordeal. Maybe like me you are in your late twenties and your life has not gone the way you thought it would.

There is no special age for having your shit together, I think that society created this order of life that we all have to follow and when our lives fall out of that order  we feel like there is something wrong with us. There is nothing wrong with you if you are unmarried at 30.  It is not wrong to be broke at 28 because you are not making enough money. There is no shame in moving back home at 33 because your business did not make it and your Marriage did not survive.

Life happens, sometimes things do not work out, you  have to pick yourself up and keep it moving. You cant torture yourself about what other people will think about your struggles because, those people have their own problems. Everyone wears a facade that makes them seem to have it all together when in fact they have worries and concerns like the rest of us.

“Do you ever notice how when you greet people, most people always say they are doing well, no one ever says I’m not fine”

—A Cry For Help

The point I’m making is that we are gonna have a lot of disappointments in life and if we cant even cope with were  we are at this moment then life will be incredibly hard.

At the end all we can do is make peace with the way things are and do our best to better our lives. This is life and we are living it the best we can.  Our struggles are an indication that we are living because if we were not faced with difficulty then it would mean that we haven’t tried to accomplish anything  at all.

Cheer up and live your life because life is not about the destination its about our experiences right now. What ever you are facing today in this very moment, that is life. There is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, you have to find joy in your experiences today.